This is Where the Blah Sets In

I think I'm getting a little depressed. I don't feel like doing much when I have the free time. I have no ambition. I feel like lying around, staring at the walls. It might be because I've been so busy these last few months. School has been doubly hard because of my final Anthropology class. It is interesting but I have twice as much reading for that class as my others and it is all scientific papers about evolutionary ecology. I enjoy the material but it still takes so much of my time to get through. I'm probably feeling gloomy about having to work crazy hours in December too. I might have to work 60+ hours every week. I'm going to try to get two days off per week, but they might get bitchy and deny it. Even though it's only for a few weeks it feels like it's so much worse. My only substantial break between the semesters and I have to work my ass off during it. 

I'm really getting tired of my daily routine. I need to break free somehow. The trouble is, I have to  work to survive and I don't want to leave school when I've got so little left before graduation. I keep looking toward spring for hope but the time until then seems so vast. Maybe I'll shake up my schedule as much as I can. I'll try to find a time machine or something. 

I know this feeling will pass, but in the mean time it is god awful. 

I'm watching Monsoon Wedding

And it is really interesting. I knew there were huge weddings in India, but if the one in the movie is common then they must be gigantic. Humongous. This movie gives a good cross-section of people in the country. Do many families in India have servants? I like all of the Indian pop music too. 

Today I've been deliberating on whether to upgrade my cell phone or not. I could get a pretty neat-o one but I would have to sign a two year contract. I feel like it's tying me down to something for way too long. I know that the supreme court in California ruled that penalty charges for cell phones aren't legal, but I don't think that applies to here. 

I guess that's just how business works now. You can't just get something or change your mind, you have to live with your choice for all eternity. It's a phone. Just a damn phone. It shouldn't be this serious. I'll probably end up getting  a new phone, with a new contract, and everything will be fine. It's just not the way I'd do business. 

I went school shopping today, which basically means having an excuse to buy new clothes. Has anyone else noticed that it's difficult to discern who works there and who just shops there often? It's like they're all in camoflauge, I never know who to ask about shoes. It turns out I ran into someone I work with and he helped me (they ended up being girls' shoes) but once he left I was completely lost. I gave up then and paid for everything. 

There are so many bizarre little things at that store. Naturally, I love bizarre things. I bought a Yummy Breakfast keychain. These things are limited edition you know, and I could barely contain my excitement about opening it up. I got a smiling honeydew piece. It's great, and it's oh so rare. The company, Kidrobot,  sells the keychains and has a ton of other funny and bizarre things. 

Tomorrow is the first day of class. I've only got a year left before I graduate, but I'm worried that I'll be too insanely busy to do anything. I guess I'll see what happens.

I Had a Little Crisis

Today, actually. I started thinking about my future and what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go...all that stuff...and I got discouraged. I freaked out. Although I tolerate my job right now because it pays well and is flexible, I don't want to be there for the rest of my life. I say that because there are several people who have worked there since the plant opened. They are really bitter and complain all the time. 

But I want to be free! I want to be a professional. A professional what, you may ask? I don't know, but something to which I could feel professional about. Maybe opening a practice to be a therapist. Maybe having an antiques store. Or, I could do some sort of consulting. In any case, I want to feel that I have a great deal of knowledge about what I do and that I am really making a difference in my field. I don't get that feeling working at the Postal Service. Even if I work as hard as I can all the mail just seems to come back the next day. 

I'm kind of feeling like I need to get down to business and figure out what I really want. I will be graduating from the U in a year, with two bachelor's degrees to show for it. After that I'll have to try to go to grad school or try to find a job, or both. While I'm excited for a change, I'm also scared that I'll have nowhere to go. I don't think my degrees are worthless necessarily, but I most probably need to go to grad school to fully implement them. But I'm sick of school...

What I think this anguish comes from is a lack of knowledge on my part. I've calmed down now and I've decided to look into what sort of careers I'd be interested in and then see what I need to do for them. And, if I take a year off from school, it's not going to hurt me. I'm still young. 

Maybe I'll move to Portland. I friend told me the economy isn't very good there, but I should see what I can find. The idea of packing up and moving to a whole new city is pretty exciting to me, even though I just had to unpack here. There's something about mobility that is invigorating. It brings new energy to a person. 

That's it. My outburst has been contained. I thought I would write about this since I usually write emotionless posts.